Awake

It seems as if the only posts I put up these days are posts saying how long I haven't posted. The lack of words is really hurting my blogging in the most obvious way: not blogging at all. The time that pasted by since the last blog entry is a complete blur, with the usual school assignments, job/work search, and online episode-watching marathons. For a week or two now, it seems like life has finally settled down a bit, and I can finally take a long awaited breather.

Has it ever occurred to any of you out there, that certain milestones seem really significant, and deemed to be life changing, until you actually get there? It seems to bother me, especially looking back to those certain expectantly significant effects, that when it's over, all you're left doing is a huge "Huh? That was it?" kind of feeling. I've begun to realize that I've gotten to the point in my life where saying I'm still in school sounds just plain silly, and I've gone from saying I have homework to do, to having assignments, to thinking even the word assignment gives off a somewhat childish vibe. At the same time, hearing myself say "I have to go to work" just seems surreal and a bit overstated like a child preparing for a school play and claiming they have to put on a performance.

So I've concluded that I'm in that awkward in-between phase, like the one that you're only supposed to experience during teenage puberty. Like my limbs are too long, but I'm still too young to wear the right sized clothes, because those clothes just seem too old.


Many of you might be wondering what have set off this random rant, and yet I've asked myself this many times as well as I'm writing this. Between working days on end for a project that only really sums up to around 50 pages that look like a childish creation, trying to convince a panel of judges not to fail me so I can move on to presenting my work at an exhibition, to actually getting in and missing it all together because I work way too much, I can no longer remember when one thing ends and another begins. All I remember is working with no signs of the end in sight, my dad coping with my grandmother's death in really weird ways (like asking me to help format his computer a billion times because something is always wrong and fixing the Wii at four in the morning) and thinking I have to get that dream job. Looking back, it just all seems so insignificant, and yet, I wish I had the time to bathe in these moments that are supposed to mean something. I feel like I missed it all. In a blink of an eye, the time has passed. As my education is coming to an end, I have this ache in the pits of my stomach. The one where you feel like you should've done something differently, not knowing what should've been different, but just something, anything.

I feel like even after weeks of "slowing down" I'm still trying to catch up with all that has happened. If I were a doctor, I would prescribe a bottle of Pepto Bismol for the symbolic upset stomach for life's never ending events.